12/6/15- Tomorrow was supposed to be a day of pure joy. The special 12 week mark in pregnancy where you feel comfortable making an announcement to the world that there is a baby coming soon. Instead of that joy, I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow will mark one week since that doctor’s appointment. The one where my doctor could no longer find a once beating heartbeat.

I didn’t feel any different that day. I was planning on taking my 3 year old to the appointment and was really talking it up because the last place she wanted to go was to the doctor’s office. As I went to put on her shoes, my neighbor called and asked if our daughter’s could have a play date. I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to wrestle a grumpy three year old at the doctor’s office and thanked my neighbor for offering to take her. Although this doctor’s appointment was happening at 11 weeks, which is relatively early in a pregnancy, this was actually my third appointment. I had been in twice for early ultrasounds when I had some cramping and spotting early on. The second appointment happened at 8 weeks and they were able to find a heartbeat. Our minds were calmed and our hearts instantly fell in love with that tiny little blob on the ultrasound screen as we watched the flicker of the tiny heartbeat. The doctor told us that there was still a chance of miscarriage, but the chances went significantly lower once there was a heartbeat found.

I felt at total ease when we went to Disneyland a week later. I had made sure to ask the doctor about what rides I would be okay riding and what things I should stay away from, but he assured me that as long as I stayed away from rides with a band that went right across my stomach or rides that went upside down, I would be alright. He reminded me that if a miscarriage was to happen, it would be a genetic thing this early on because the baby was so tiny and so well padded in my stomach at this point.

Disneyland was absolute magic. We truly had the best time as a family. We created memories that will last a lifetime. Memories that I grasp to now when I feel the absolute sorrow that I feel off and on. We made sure to take a family photo in front of the castle, complete with a shirt I was wearing with little Mickey ears on them as a way to announce the pregnancy to the world. We would wait until the 12 week mark to post it anywhere, but we loved that idea to announce it.

As soon as we got home, I uploaded the photo and ordered our Christmas cards from Shutterfly, announcing the pregnancy to the world.

The next day was when our lives changed forever. That doctor’s appointment. The one that happened almost a week ago. It was technically going to be treated like a normal first time appointment, complete with blood tests, urine samples, and questions about my last pregnancy. The nurse came in and asked me questions about my last pregnancy and sent in the doctor with a P.A. student to ask similar questions and get a follow up on how things were going as far as more cramping and bleeding went. I hadn’t had any and I was beginning to feel a lot better from morning sickness. Things were looking up now that I was getting past the first trimester. Before sending me to the nurse to do blood tests, the doctor wanted to do another ultrasound just to make sure everything still looked good.

As soon as he saw the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t see a baby. He was explaining the ultrasound, pointing out my skin and my bladder. Then he said, “And here is the pregnancy.” Not the baby, but “the pregnancy”. He zoomed and zoomed to get a better view. He then proceeded to tell me, “There is the baby, but unfortunately what I am not seeing is a heartbeat.” At that moment, I didn’t feel like I had a heartbeat either. [Read more…]