Bumpdate 31 Weeks: Excitement and Mourning

I can’t even believe I am 31 weeks pregnant. Is this real life? If I go full term, I only have 9 weeks left. That is if I go full term! It is pretty insane to think about how much different things are this year than they were a year ago.

31 Weeks Pregnant Bumpdate

I was also pregnant a year ago. We were in Disneyland for Thanksgiving break and were living blissfully unaware of the life changing news that was about to come that following Monday when we learned that we had lost our baby.  [Read more…]

Our Little Rainbow Miracle

This has been a post I have opened up my internet browser to write at least 10 times. Each time I have come to do it, the correct words just haven’t seemed to be there. Honestly, I think there was a lot of fear associated with putting it all out there. I wanted so badly to share it with all of you, but for some reason I felt like putting it on here would jinx it somehow. I can’t keep the secret any longer though…

Rainbow Baby Photoshoot on www.girllovesglam.com

Before I get into all of the details, I just want to take a moment to thank you all from the deepest depths of my heart. I honestly don’t know how I could have gone through the past year without the love and support I have gotten from each and every one of you. Sharing my miscarriage story was one of the scariest and most vulnerable things I have ever done. To this day, I haven’t ever gone back to read the journal entries in that post. The instant love that was sent my way, full of emails, comments, and phone calls was almost too much to even comprehend. I was suddenly adopted into this sisterhood of incredible women who had felt that devastating pain I was feeling.

As the months went on, things started to look more normal but I was slammed with a pretty difficult case of postpartum depression. It was like it came in a sudden tidal wave that completely took me off guard. The combination of that depression and a “chemical pregnancy” that came in March was enough to have me say that I was done thinking about babies for a while. I needed to really focus on getting myself emotionally healthy again. I decided to come out and share part of my postpartum depression story with all of you and once again was overwhelmed with your support.

It was once I was really focusing on myself that a miracle happened. A sustainable, perfect little rainbow baby miracle happened.

Maternity Shoot

It was a roller coaster of emotions as I learned I was pregnant. I was terrified that the doctor was missing something and that something was bound to be wrong again. Then the sickness came. Oh, the sickness came! I was SO sick. Some of you may recall a certain Snapchat story about me vomiting into a garbage can on one of the busiest corners of Boise. As sick as I was, I was grateful to know that the sickness meant that things were still developing the way they were supposed to be.

The dreaded 12 week appointment came and I was still terrified. That was the appointment I had gone to when they couldn’t find our angel baby’s heartbeat. Seeing that heartbeat still there at that appointment was a huge relief. I finally felt like I could start enjoying my pregnancy. We decided to tell extended family and our friends about the pregnancy, but I wanted to wait to tell all of you until I knew the gender. That’s right you guys, I kept it a secret for 17 WEEKS! I know the GENDER! Are you ready for this? [Read more…]

Be True: Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage

I know I have been pretty distant for a while. I have been here enough that most of you probably didn’t even notice, but I have heard from many of you who noticed the distance. I am normally the type that likes to keep a pretty consistent schedule with my blog. I like to know what is coming up and I think that readers appreciate that as well.

After my miscarriage, I decided I wanted to make my life a little more of the focus of this blog. I didn’t want it to be a bunch of posts about what I am doing day to day (that is what Snapchat is for), but I did want to do at least one post a month with a life update of sorts so that I could involve my family more. The miscarriage happened in November/December (you can read about it in my miscarriage post) and I took some time off after that. I took the time and came back to blogging at the end of January. Things were going pretty well, then BAM! All of a sudden I was hit with zero desire to do anything. This happened in about the end of March. March consisted of me not getting ready for the day, not caring what I ate, and feeling tired all of the time. I thought that I must be pregnant. In fact, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I assumed that was it! Then came that time of the month, another pregnancy test, and this one was negative.Learning from Life Experiences on www.girllovesglam.com

I wasn’t as sad about as I thought I would be. I realized that I didn’t really feel anything at all. I wasn’t sad about anything, I wasn’t happy about anything, I just wasn’t anything. [Read more…]

Healing

12/6/15- Tomorrow was supposed to be a day of pure joy. The special 12 week mark in pregnancy where you feel comfortable making an announcement to the world that there is a baby coming soon. Instead of that joy, I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow will mark one week since that doctor’s appointment. The one where my doctor could no longer find a once beating heartbeat.

I didn’t feel any different that day. I was planning on taking my 3 year old to the appointment and was really talking it up because the last place she wanted to go was to the doctor’s office. As I went to put on her shoes, my neighbor called and asked if our daughter’s could have a play date. I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to wrestle a grumpy three year old at the doctor’s office and thanked my neighbor for offering to take her. Although this doctor’s appointment was happening at 11 weeks, which is relatively early in a pregnancy, this was actually my third appointment. I had been in twice for early ultrasounds when I had some cramping and spotting early on. The second appointment happened at 8 weeks and they were able to find a heartbeat. Our minds were calmed and our hearts instantly fell in love with that tiny little blob on the ultrasound screen as we watched the flicker of the tiny heartbeat. The doctor told us that there was still a chance of miscarriage, but the chances went significantly lower once there was a heartbeat found.

I felt at total ease when we went to Disneyland a week later. I had made sure to ask the doctor about what rides I would be okay riding and what things I should stay away from, but he assured me that as long as I stayed away from rides with a band that went right across my stomach or rides that went upside down, I would be alright. He reminded me that if a miscarriage was to happen, it would be a genetic thing this early on because the baby was so tiny and so well padded in my stomach at this point.

Disneyland was absolute magic. We truly had the best time as a family. We created memories that will last a lifetime. Memories that I grasp to now when I feel the absolute sorrow that I feel off and on. We made sure to take a family photo in front of the castle, complete with a shirt I was wearing with little Mickey ears on them as a way to announce the pregnancy to the world. We would wait until the 12 week mark to post it anywhere, but we loved that idea to announce it.

As soon as we got home, I uploaded the photo and ordered our Christmas cards from Shutterfly, announcing the pregnancy to the world.

The next day was when our lives changed forever. That doctor’s appointment. The one that happened almost a week ago. It was technically going to be treated like a normal first time appointment, complete with blood tests, urine samples, and questions about my last pregnancy. The nurse came in and asked me questions about my last pregnancy and sent in the doctor with a P.A. student to ask similar questions and get a follow up on how things were going as far as more cramping and bleeding went. I hadn’t had any and I was beginning to feel a lot better from morning sickness. Things were looking up now that I was getting past the first trimester. Before sending me to the nurse to do blood tests, the doctor wanted to do another ultrasound just to make sure everything still looked good.

As soon as he saw the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t see a baby. He was explaining the ultrasound, pointing out my skin and my bladder. Then he said, “And here is the pregnancy.” Not the baby, but “the pregnancy”. He zoomed and zoomed to get a better view. He then proceeded to tell me, “There is the baby, but unfortunately what I am not seeing is a heartbeat.” At that moment, I didn’t feel like I had a heartbeat either. [Read more…]