Healing

12/6/15- Tomorrow was supposed to be a day of pure joy. The special 12 week mark in pregnancy where you feel comfortable making an announcement to the world that there is a baby coming soon. Instead of that joy, I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow will mark one week since that doctor’s appointment. The one where my doctor could no longer find a once beating heartbeat.

I didn’t feel any different that day. I was planning on taking my 3 year old to the appointment and was really talking it up because the last place she wanted to go was to the doctor’s office. As I went to put on her shoes, my neighbor called and asked if our daughter’s could have a play date. I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to wrestle a grumpy three year old at the doctor’s office and thanked my neighbor for offering to take her. Although this doctor’s appointment was happening at 11 weeks, which is relatively early in a pregnancy, this was actually my third appointment. I had been in twice for early ultrasounds when I had some cramping and spotting early on. The second appointment happened at 8 weeks and they were able to find a heartbeat. Our minds were calmed and our hearts instantly fell in love with that tiny little blob on the ultrasound screen as we watched the flicker of the tiny heartbeat. The doctor told us that there was still a chance of miscarriage, but the chances went significantly lower once there was a heartbeat found.

I felt at total ease when we went to Disneyland a week later. I had made sure to ask the doctor about what rides I would be okay riding and what things I should stay away from, but he assured me that as long as I stayed away from rides with a band that went right across my stomach or rides that went upside down, I would be alright. He reminded me that if a miscarriage was to happen, it would be a genetic thing this early on because the baby was so tiny and so well padded in my stomach at this point.

Disneyland was absolute magic. We truly had the best time as a family. We created memories that will last a lifetime. Memories that I grasp to now when I feel the absolute sorrow that I feel off and on. We made sure to take a family photo in front of the castle, complete with a shirt I was wearing with little Mickey ears on them as a way to announce the pregnancy to the world. We would wait until the 12 week mark to post it anywhere, but we loved that idea to announce it.

As soon as we got home, I uploaded the photo and ordered our Christmas cards from Shutterfly, announcing the pregnancy to the world.

The next day was when our lives changed forever. That doctor’s appointment. The one that happened almost a week ago. It was technically going to be treated like a normal first time appointment, complete with blood tests, urine samples, and questions about my last pregnancy. The nurse came in and asked me questions about my last pregnancy and sent in the doctor with a P.A. student to ask similar questions and get a follow up on how things were going as far as more cramping and bleeding went. I hadn’t had any and I was beginning to feel a lot better from morning sickness. Things were looking up now that I was getting past the first trimester. Before sending me to the nurse to do blood tests, the doctor wanted to do another ultrasound just to make sure everything still looked good.

As soon as he saw the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t see a baby. He was explaining the ultrasound, pointing out my skin and my bladder. Then he said, “And here is the pregnancy.” Not the baby, but “the pregnancy”. He zoomed and zoomed to get a better view. He then proceeded to tell me, “There is the baby, but unfortunately what I am not seeing is a heartbeat.” At that moment, I didn’t feel like I had a heartbeat either.

12/7/15- To be honest, writing what I did yesterday was really intense. I couldn’t write anymore last night. The tears were pouring down and I couldn’t even see what I was typing anymore. I prayed and prayed last night that I would be able to function today. I didn’t pray that I would have a great day, I just wanted to function. My prayers have been answered because I was woken up by a beautiful smiling 3 year old face and I have been able to function. Heavenly Father just knows what we need in hard times. If I didn’t already have a daughter, I would probably be laying around all day today as I feel sorry for myself. Instead, I have had my hands grabbed to stand up and dance to music on Disney Junior. I haven’t ever been so grateful for the Hotdog Dance.

To continue the story about my doctor’s appointment last week, I remember looking over at the P.A. student who was in the room. She looked like she was going to be sick. I had the feeling that this was the first time she was experiencing all of this. I wondered what was going on in her head. That was the moment that I realized that the doctor was still talking to me. He was telling me what would be happening to my body now. It felt like I was listening to him in an underwater tunnel. I would hear things like “blood might come like water” and “you might feel like you are going to die, but it will be okay”. I tried focusing on what he was saying, but my brain wasn’t working. The doctor was very sweet and made sure that I had all of my questions answered before I left. I was able to make it out of the doctor’s office before the tears came. I sat in my car and a flood of emotions came to the surface. I called Dave and told him what had happened. He told me he would head home from work immediately. I drove to my neighbor’s house and she could see the tears in my eyes. She knew exactly what had happened. She had me sit down as we watched our daughters play together. It all seemed so surreal. This wasn’t part of my life agenda.

We headed home from the neighbor’s house and Dave was there waiting for us. We sat on the couch and I cried. I watched our sweet little girl who was so excited about being a big sister. I watched her play and I longed for her to have a sibling to play it. She saw me crying and brought me tissues and started stuffing my mouth with pretzels to try to make me feel better. We explained to her that the baby in mom’s tummy was going to be staying in heaven. She tried her best to understand, but her main concern was trying to figure out how the baby was going to get out of mom’s tummy to get to heaven. She decided that the baby was going to walk out of mom’s mouth to get there and we let it stay at that. We spent the evening together as a family. We got out of the house and went to some stores to get our minds off of things. It was nice to look at errands as a vacation of sorts.

I had sent a text to my mom to tell her to call me as soon as she could. A few hours later, she was able to call me from her work. I felt bad telling her while she was at work, but I was grateful that she was able to listen to me. She informed me that she would be driving the 5 hour drive after she got off of work and would be spending the next day with me. She got to our house just after midnight.

It was so good to have my mom there that next day. Although it was a short visit, having my mom there was really helpful. My body was still in denial. I still felt pregnant. I felt sick in the morning and tired very early. Because my body was still in denial, my mind was too. I continued to go throughout my days ignoring what was going on because my body wasn’t acting any differently than it was when I was pregnant. It wasn’t until yesterday morning that my body started acting differently. Without going into all of the details, it was obvious that I was miscarrying. When I got in the shower, I had a complete meltdown. I knelt down right there in the shower and pleaded with my Heavenly Father that I could get through this trial. I was able to gain composure again and enjoy my Sunday. It was last night when The realization flooded over me that I should be 12 weeks along today. That was when the tears started again. I felt so many things. I felt sorry for myself, I felt sorry for the lack of compassion that I had shown people when I knew they had miscarried, I felt sorrow for all of the women I knew who had gone through this same pain I was feeling, I felt worried for Dave and his silent grieving. I felt a lot. After a long conversation with Dave, I decided to watch a show to get my mind off of things before going to bed. I was finally able to fall asleep at 2 am.

So here I am now. I am hurting, but I am living. I made a weekly menu for the first time in months and I have plans of cleaning and playing. If there is anything positive that has already come from this, it is that it has forced me to reevaluate my life. I realized that I was not present in my daughter’s life like I want to be. I have tried to be much more present. I am taking the entire month of December off of blogging, besides 5 sponsored posts that I had previously signed contracts to do. I haven’t decided when I will be coming back yet. I thought I would want to start back up fresh with the New Year, but I have really started to question that as well. When I start back up, I want to start again in the right way. I want to have a real plan for when and how I work. I want to do things the right way so that I don’t fall back into the same sleepless, family ignoring habits that I have fallen into before.

I am taking this thing one day at a time right now. I am grateful for my family, my friends, the Christmas season, and the sacrifice my Savior has made for me. I know that he has felt every pain that I am feeling.

12/14/15- Today was my follow up appointment with the doctor. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it when I was going in and I still don’t know how I feel about it hours later. I’m grateful for a patient, sympathetic doctor and nurse. As I waited in the waiting room, I watched as several visibly pregnant women walked in and out of the door. I wondered how far along they were. I found myself getting jealous of them. Then I found myself praying that everything would go according to plan with the rest of their pregnancy so they wouldn’t feel the feelings I have had.

The nurse came and got me. She asked me how I was doing and opened up to having had a miscarriage herself. She put it into the perfect words, “It is the worst!”. It is interesting, I never would have thought that I would have something that would make me feel so connected to so many women like this experience has already done. People seem to be coming out of the woodwork with stories and comfort because they had gone through this journey themselves. After getting me all checked in, the nurse went and got my doctor. He asked all about my physical and emotional health. I appreciated his concern for both. We went into the ultrasound room to take another look. The sack had grown larger because my body still seems to think that it needs to nourish and make room for a baby, but the baby looked exactly the same. Once the ultrasound was over, my doctor talked to me about my options. I can wait for my body to naturally miscarry (for up to 4 weeks) or I can schedule a D&C immediately. He offered support to both options saying that it wasn’t as invasive to let it happen naturally, but it can be hard emotionally because you never know when it is going to happen and it could be quite scary. He also offered support to the option of a D&C because for my mental health, I could know when things would happen and be able to move on after my recovery, especially during the holiday season.

I chose the D&C. For the past 2 weeks, I have been living in fear. I am afraid to be too active, I am afraid to leave my house because I might miscarry. My personality type is not one that handles things that aren’t planned well. My doctor is scheduling the D&C for this week. It will either happen on Wednesday (in 2 days) or Friday. Honestly, I have mixed emotions. On one hand, I am incredibly sad. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I fall into that pit. I am sad about the whole thing and I am sad that it isn’t over with yet. On the other hand, I feel relieved that the physical process of miscarrying is almost over. I know the emotional side affects will go on, but I can’t start to heal emotionally until I start to recover physically.

12/19/15- The D&C happened yesterday. I was pretty nervous that morning, but after countless prayers and a priesthood blessing from Dave and my dad, I felt at peace. I went to the hospital with Dave and we got all checked in. They sent us back to the area for day surgery patients to get prepped and ready for surgery. My nurse was an older woman who may have been a bit insensitive, but I know she meant well. I tried not to get my feelings hurt or think about her slang terms too much. After it was all said and done, I was really grateful for her and knew that she didn’t mean to be insensitive. After getting changed into the surgery gown and getting my IV placed, my doctor came in to talk to me about everything. He went over everything that was going to happen before, during, and after surgery. Once again, I was very grateful for his willingness to answer questions and make sure I understood everything. Shortly after he left, the anesthesiologist came in and consulted with me. I waited in the room for about another 30 minutes and it was my turn to go to the operating room. When they wheeled me in, the first thing I heard was Aerosmith’s Walk This Way playing. I mentioned to theΒ nurses that I wasn’t expecting to hear that when I went into the OR and they all just laughed. They helped me scoot onto the operating bed and that was the last thing I remembered. I woke up in the recovery room. I saw my nurse, who got a heater going on me because I was shaking a lot. That helped me a lot. They told me I was shaking because I was cold and because my body’s adrenaline had kicked in because of surgery. It was a very strange feeling. My doctor came over and told me about how the surgery had gone. He told me that I had lost quite a bit of blood. More than they had expected me to lose, but that I would be okay. I was grateful that I had opted for the surgery after hearing that. Seeing that amount of blood would have been a very traumatic experience at home. Soon, they wheeled me into a private room in the OR prep area where I got my vitals checked and got to eat crackers and drink juice. I wasn’t in pain and I felt like a weight had kind of been lifted off of me. I knew that recovery was going to be unpleasant at times, but knowing that I wouldn’t have to live in fear of miscarrying at any given moment, especially while visiting family over Christmas, was a huge burden lifted.

post surgery

I was able to leave the hospital shortly after that. I came home and spent time laying on the couch and laying in bed. The medicine I was on made me very nauseous and itchy. I didn’t sleep well at all.

I was so grateful that my dad came to help. He was able to entertain Harper, take her to lunch, and get her to her dance rehearsal so that Dave could be home with me. I know that it helped bring some sort of normalcy to our home by having him here.

I decided that today I would stop taking the prescription medicine and just opt for Advil. I have felt more pain in my stomach, but I will take that over the sickness and itches any day. I was able to attend Harper’s dance recital, but took it pretty easy the rest of the day. I feel like I can finally see a light at the end of this tunnel.

I know that just because the physical part of all of this is almost done, the emotional part will be something that I will have to conquer everyday for a while. I will have good days, bad days, and days with a little good and bad in there. I am really thankful for the knowledge that I have of eternal families. I know that this sweet angel baby is watching over our family and that one day, I will be able to raise that baby in heaven. I think I would be a much bigger emotional wreck if I didn’t have that to think about. I have so much to live for here on earth, and I have so much to live for so that I can be worthy to go to heaven to meet that baby one day.

12/31/15- Tomorrow marks two weeks since the surgery. Not only is it a new year, but I am looking at it as a fresh start for me in many ways. It is the the first day that I will be able to exercise again. I know that it may seem trivial to some people, but even though I have never been someone who looks like they should be competing in fitness competitions, exercise has always been a big part of my life. I really enjoy exercising and feel like it is a major form of therapy for me. I haven’t been able to work out for about 2 months because of sickness from the pregnancy and then all of the complications that come from miscarrying. I am really looking forward to exercising again.

Over the last two weeks, I have felt a series of different emotions. There have definitely been times that I have felt very sad, but there are also times that I have felt extremely hopeful. I am hopeful that there will be a baby that will come into our lives soon and I look forward to meeting this angel baby in the next life. I have had friends open up to me about some of the struggles they are being faced with right now and I definitely feel like I have been given a trial that I can handle because looking at their trials makes me feel like this little trial is nothing on some of their struggles. People are incredible. I know that God doesn’t give us any trials that we can’t handle and it is really incredible to watch people overcome heartbreaking circumstances.

Another thing that I have been amazed about is just how kind people really are. I didn’t announce the pregnancy to the world, so I didn’t have a need to announce the miscarriage to the world. I did open up to a few people and their kindness is something that I will never forget. We had meals brought to us, neighbors who watched our daughter, prayers said on our behalf, and I even was touched by a few of the companies I have worked with in the past. I had emailed Cents of Style to ask if I could bump back a post I had planned on posting for them and briefly explained the situation to them. They responded immediately with their condolences and told me not to worry about the post at all. That helped relieve my stress so much. Two days later, I came home to a beautiful floral arrangement sitting on my step. I had no idea who it would be from, but when I opened the card I was shocked to see it was from Cents of Style. Tears streamed down my face. It is companies like Cents of Style that make me want to be an uplifting business owner myself. I want to shout it from the rooftops that people should support them and their company. Their kindness was not wasted on me and I am a customer for life.

Another company I really need to shout out is Shutterfly. I ordered my Christmas cards on Black Friday and they were announcing the pregnancy on them. I was so excited to be able to send them out and announce it to the world, but that following Monday was when we learned about the miscarriage. I called Shutterfly and talked to the customer service to see if there was any way to cancel that portion of my order and unfortunately the cards were already in production. There was no way to stop it, but they told me to call back when I got the cards and they would be happy to get me a refund to order more cards. Once the cards came, I called again and was able to talk to the same woman I had talked to before. She helped me out and I was able to order brand new cards to replace the old ones. They were so kind! They didn’t do anything wrong to have to give me a refund, but they were so compassionate and more than willing to help out in any way that they could. The woman I talked to even said, “Girl, I will pray for you! I will pray for you and you are gonna have TEN kids!” I giggled and told her I didn’t want TEN kids, but I appreciated any prayers! A complete stranger made me laugh in a time that was most dark. That is the true definition of showing Christlike love to a stranger. Thankfully, my cards came in time to send out and the recipients would have no idea that the cards they were receiving were the section version of the Guymon family Christmas card. Dave jokes and says we have 100 special edition Christmas cards in a box in our house. I plan on keeping one of them, but we probably don’t need all 100 of the first version.

Shutterfly Christmas Pregnancy Card

Guymon Family Christmas Card 2015

I am now a Shutterfly customer for life. A little kindness goes a long way in my book.

Overall, I am doing much better emotionally, physically, etc. I am so incredibly blessed to have my the sweet little family that I do have. Harper has brought me more joy that I ever thought I could experience as a mother. I have a loving, supportive husband who works so hard for our family and continues to try and better himself each and everyday. I have loving parents and siblings who I have just spend Christmas break with that I was able to relax, forget about all of this craziness, and just enjoy being with. Most of all, I have a loving Father in Heaven and a loving Savior who help me get through each and every good and bad day.

Disneyland

As I look to 2016, things will be a little different around here. Don’t worry, I am not quitting! I will come back January 11th. There will still be beauty posts and videos, but you will probably be seeing a lot more of my family on here. I want to make them a much bigger priority and want to include them in my life on here more. I have gone back and forth about that on my blog a few times, but I feel good about doing that at this point in our lives.

I thank each and every one of you for your support and your love. If you ever feel down, remember that there truly is a Savior who loves you. You can get through the dark times through Him!

Comments

  1. Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry that you are having to deal with this pain and hurt right now. Miscarriage and infertility are the single most difficult thing I have faced in my life also. You are so brave for sharing! And you know what?! I quit blogging in 2012 (Oopsey Daisy) when I found out that we had very low chances of having a baby and we had struggled with infertility for years. I wanted to just enjoy and be with my then-3-year-old boy and soak up motherhood. Since that time, we had another baby boy and I am pregnant now with a third. I don’t know if it’s the lessened stress of NOT blogging or just the Lord’s timing. But I know when the time is right, things will work out for your family, too. πŸ™‚ THE LORD HAS A PLAN!! He is in charge, even if we can’t seem to understand why things happen the way they do. Hang in there! Sending lots of love, prayers, and hugs!!

  2. Big hugs friend! Please know that you and your sweet family are in my prayers. XO

  3. Oh my friend I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it leaves a hole that will never truly be filled but you are amazing. You will be a sweet mother to many in one way or another…and I hope you have 10 KIDS TOO!! Seriously I adore you and I’m sorry you were sad. Thank you for sharing the kindnesses others bestowed upon you…we don’t hear about those too often and they matter. LOVE YOU!! Sending many hugs and prayers from me to you!!

  4. Camille Walker says:

    I am heartbroken for you and wish you didn’t have to go through this. It is funny that when you said you never knew you could feel a bond with another woman so instantly through having gone through this I think that is something that surprised me the most too. Having miscarried twice I feel sorrow and can truly mourn with those who mourn because I know what that pain feels like. Sharing your story in such an honest, vulnerable way makes way for others to connect to you too.

    You are a strong, amazing woman and I feel it a privilege to know you. And I promise you, time does help heal this pain inside of you. Wishing you ten babies….or whatever number you wish!πŸ’—

  5. Love you girl!!!

  6. Love you girl!!!

  7. Thank you for sharing your heart in this post. I miscarried my first baby at 21 years of age and it was extremely hard. I’m now 39 and I still think about that baby and what could’ve been. I know I will see him (or her) someday in our Father’s home.

  8. Love you darlin. I miscarried when I was in the middle of my master’s degree. I am so proud of you for writing this post. It took me back to that time in my life, and I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are such a strong beautiful person inside and out. Love you girl. xoxo

  9. So, so sorry that you had to go through such a difficult challenge, especially this time of year. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope that as your body heals, you will also come to feel peace. I’m so glad you have that little ray of sunshine to help cheer you up on rough days. Little kids just have a way of helping us forget our troubles. Love you!!

  10. Mckenzie, your blog touched my heart so much! I clicked on your blog excited to see what you had been up to while I’m waiting for a client to process, and I find myself balling in the break room! Your blog touched my heart so much! You are so strong and I have always looked up to you. I have not experienced the tragedy you and so many others have but I am so sorry for what you and your precious family is going through . You are so brave! Keep your head up !

  11. McKenzie, I am so sorry for your loss! I am praying for you. I’m not very good in expressing my condolences, but I want you to know that I am here, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  12. My heart is breaking over here for you πŸ™ You are a strong and amazing woman Kenz!!! I will be thinking about you guys and praying for you!!

  13. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. I am glad to hear you are feeling a little better and hopefully with time you can find some peace about your loss. Hugs to you!
    xo,
    Laura

  14. McKenzie, so sorry, heartfelt sympathy. This is a heartache that many of us share. Hugs sweet friend. πŸ˜˜πŸ’•

  15. I so appreciate hearing your experience, as well as your faith! I can’t fully understand what you are going though, cause I haven’t experienced a miscarriage, but I know so many wonderful women who have. Just know that I am sending up a prayer for you and your sweet family. Thank you for sharing your story–it’s so cool that your little baby’s life, even though it wasn’t long, will impact others for good, help them feel not so alone, and bring them closer to the Savior because you are willing to open your heart! Love to you, friend!

  16. Thank you so muchfor sharing your story, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family! I too struggled with a miscarriage earlier in 2015 after 3 years of struggling with infertility, and as the time came (around Christmas) that we would have been welcoming a bundle of joy into our family came and went, we continue to have faith in our Heavenly Father’s plan. I can’t say it gets easier, because those feelings of “what if” always come to mind but I can say you do treasure life and loved ones much more and you start to notice and value the silver lining in everything! Sending our love and prayers of recovery!

  17. Kenz…! πŸ’™

  18. Thank you for sharing your sweet story. Reading your words had me in tears as those 5 years of infertility flooded back to mind; I’ve never experienced the loss of a miscarriage but I have experienced the loss of bearing natural children. I didn’t see the blessing of that loss until we welcomed our oldest son through the miracle of adoption; I have thanked my Heavenly Father many times for that trial to be able to end up with our son. It has also been a blessing to be able to empathize with others who also struggle with infertility or starting their family. I am so sorry you have to go through the pain of this! You are a strong amazing woman and mother, I pray you’ll continue to find the comfort you seek!!! XOXO

  19. (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) I walked the same road at the same time of year, made the same choices as you…never easy, but God never promised easy, just that He would be there to walk with us. Your witness through your heartbreak has spread farther then you will ever know and you will now be able to help those who will follow you on this difficult road – what a blessing you will be. May God give you His peace and heal your family’s heart.

  20. Thank you so much for sharing your story and being vulnerable; it will hlep a lot of women who have gone through it, too. I lost a day old baby at 34 weeks due to non viral, non bacterial endocarditis and then had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. Because I am a DES daughter (my mother took di-ethyl stilberterol to prevent another miscarriage), I had an incompetent cervix. I had “corrective” surgery we jokingly called “my $1500 elastic band”, a skin graft to shore up the neck of the cervix. My two “keepers”, daughter and son are now 35 and 33 years old; I had to quit work at 3 months and was on bedrest for 6 weeks for the youngest. It took me years to finally heal and odd things would set me off (I now enjoy shopping for back to school stuff for grands but that first Sept. was the worst. And I just avoided the littlel girls’ Easter dresses section in stores for years! Like you, church friends and my next door mother rallied around me ! The joy of those children were worth it, though. In my heart, I knew God would get me through it, but is still the hardest thing I have ever done (worse than my divorces, death of parents, etc.). “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it” really is true.

    • Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I can’t imagine losing a baby that far into the pregnancy. My first daughter was born at 36 weeks and although she spent time in the NICU, I can’t imagine losing a baby that far along knowing that they look like a baby and are beyond the fetus stage. It is so important to share these stories though. I think it helps us all heal! Thank you so much for sharing.

Trackbacks

  1. […] blogging schedule. I just want to thank each and every one of you for your kind messages regarding our family’s struggle. I read every one of your comments, emails, etc and truly was touched by your stories and your […]

  2. […] involve my family more. The miscarriage happened in November/December (you can read about it in my miscarriage post) and I took some time off after that. I took the time and came back to blogging at the end of […]

  3. […] through the past year without the love and support I have gotten from each and every one of you. Sharing my miscarriage story was one of the scariest and most vulnerable things I have ever done. To this day, I haven’t […]

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